He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
