Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
