is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
