I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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