70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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