Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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