when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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