Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
