Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
