If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
