im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it's like iHOP with fire
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize