That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
