words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
