mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize