I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
