that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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