M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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