I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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