my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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