no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
