well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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