onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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