My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
