When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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