so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
