I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
