everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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