I skipped work to stalk him.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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