This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
