you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
