Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Life is so much better after having sex.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
