I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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