I should be sponsored by Trojan
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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