your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
