He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We are all done wearing pants today
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
