a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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