Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
