party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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