i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
