I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
