So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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