Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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