Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You're like the curious george of whores
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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