Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
