I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
