Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
