How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
