Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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