smell my finger.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She even gives head with a lisp.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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