Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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