fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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