I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
