Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
