you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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