Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
