Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
