It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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