i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
