I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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