I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize