You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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