I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
