Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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