You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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