when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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