apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
