it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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