you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize