So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
