guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
